His forgiveness > others forgiveness

Everyone always talks about apologies we deserve and never receive but no one talks about the apologies we never got to give. No one talks about the shame and guilt that's so hard to swallow because you can't give the apology. The truth is forgiveness from God has to be more important than forgiveness from the person you wronged. There is a difference between conviction and shame. Conviction is what the Holy Spirit uses to lead you to repentance. Shame is what the devil tries to feed you after you repent. One traps you and one sets you free, God is grace and mercy while the devil is shame. God says, “You are forgiven, sit with me and don’t leave.” Shame says, “You're too far gone, God can't save you.” The truth is you are allowed to hold regret tenderly, you are allowed to say “I wish I would have done that differently, but at the time, I couldn't.” You have to remember you are human. Hurt people hurt others. I can contest this, I was hurting for so long and in that hurting I hurt a lot of others. It has taken me a long time to work through not letting my past define me. So yes hurt people hurt people but what's amazing is healed people heal people. Love and grace always wins, forgiveness wins. Love everyone you come across, have grace, and forgive no matter what because what you do matters.

Now for the elephant in the room, what if they don't forgive you… well human rejection can be God’s protection. Forgive yourself for not knowing any better back then. Forgive yourself for the things you did in the past. Forgive yourself for the ways you coped with tough times. Remember, you did what you could with what you had. This isn't about making excuses for your actions, I have no excuses for the way I have acted in the past, but I know one thing, I didn't know God and His mercy the way I do now. I didn't know joy, grace, and gentleness the way I do now. You are not responsible for your trauma, but you are responsible for your healing. It is a choice to change and once you make that choice, you can't live in the past. If you went back right now and erased every mistake you ever made you would erase yourself. So yes, in your lifetime you will hurt people and you won't have any way to apologize or make things right but those mistakes don't define who you are. You are allowed to move on and not have guilt haunting you over things you might have done years ago. You are allowed to come to terms with what you did wrong, change, and allow yourself to grow from those experiences. You will never be stagnant in life if you own up to your wrongdoings and keep on going. Just because you have struggled to communicate your feelings in the past, said mean things, lost your temper, lied, or reacted from unhealed wounds doesn't mean that's who you are. It simply means you are human. So yes I am here to say that He saved me from hell but He also saved me from myself.

A couple months ago I was on my way home from a trip and as you may know a long car ride calls for way too much time to contemplate all your life choices. I so randomly remembered something I had done/said to someone I loved dearly and I couldn't stop crying. It was so embarrassing, I was on a bus full of people in the very back row trying to stop crying (thank goodness it was dark lol). Allison was in the seat right in front of me and next thing I know she's sitting next to me asking me what's wrong. I then explained what was making me cry and why I did it. I told her how disappointed I was in myself that I would ever even do/say that regardless of what was done to provoke it. She then said something that I've never forgotten, “you should be proud of the heavy feelings you feel, it shows how big you truly love and the fact that you can look back and own that you messed up is big. It shows your growth, this pain has made you a better person.” After she said that I typed it out in my notes app and have looked at it many times since then. Honestly she's so right it's a blessing to look back and be embarrassed for how you acted and be disappointed in the things you did because it means you've grown and you are no longer the same person. I know I am not the same person I was just just six months ago and thank you Jesus for that.

In my quiet time this morning I read over Isaiah 41:8-10, it said, “But as for you, Israel my servant, Jacob my chosen one, descended from Abraham my friend, I have called you back from the ends of the earth, saying ‘you are my servant.’ For I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Israel's sin and rebellion did not stop God from using them, it didn't stop them from serving God's purpose for their lives. Jacobs' manipulation to get his fathers blessing and his full on wrestling match with God didn't stop him from being the chosen one. Abrahams’ doubt didn't stop him from being God's friend. There are no perfect people for God to use, we are all He's got. Broken from the start, but He has written us into His story and He blots out our sins for His own sake, not just ours.

I would not be who I am right now if I hadn't trusted God's plan for my life and chose to submit my life to Him. It isn't easy but what I can say is that there is no freedom like the freedom in Christ. His love has no limits, His forgiveness is never ending, His mercies are new every single morning. One day Paul was killing Christians, the next day he was a Christian. One day Peter was a fisherman, the next day he was a fisher of men. Don't judge someone based on their past. If God can create the whole entire world in six days, He can surely create a new heart in one. You sit here and hear about how Saul became Paul and was forgiven and transformed by the love of Christ but you tell yourself that since little Tommy from high school doesn't forgive you, you can't move on? Make it make sense. Listen I have been there, we all have, but one day we must come to the understanding that God's forgiveness and approval has to mean more to us then any human forgiveness or approval ever will. To God be the glory, always. Be the sunshine on someone’s cloudy day.

Good Talk,

Rylie With The Messy Life :)

Father, I thank you for your forgiveness and for your mercies that are new every morning. You paid it all so that we could live. I ask you to forgive me for hurting others out of my own hurt and to heal my relationships with others. ​​ I'm striving to be better, help me to do so. Lord, please guide my words, actions and attitude. Thank you for filling me with your holy spirit so I may live in accordance to your word. I trust you and I love you. Amen.