Living Unloved
Love is a crazy thing, personally some of the best and worst times in my life are wrapped in love. Love hurts but it also heals. It is crazy that we have a whole month dedicated to love when the majority of us live everyday of our lives unloved. When I say living unloved I don't mean we are literally unloved because I mean come on that's not true. What I mean is we are constantly trying to chase love but we don’t want to pursue the true source of love. When we don't pursue the one thing that can fill the longing of being loved we default to feeling as if we are unloved or even unloveable.
I will be the first person to admit, the entire time I was in high school I lived unloved. I longed to be loved and feel loved but I was convinced I was unlovable. I felt that no matter what I did I made it so hard for everyone around me to love me. I tried to fill the void in my heart with people, things, and different types of validation. I'm not sure if you guessed this already but it didn't work, however I learned that the hard way (I do learn most lessons in my life the hard way because I am dumb and stubborn lol). I received academic validation, I played the sports I loved, I had a family who supported me endlessly, I was in a relationship, and I had great friends. From the outside looking in it seemed as if I was living a good life but if you truly knew me on a deeper level you knew I was struggling to be alive everyday, I wasn't happy, there was no joy in my life and it showed. I was in a very very dark place and I hurt all of those closest to me. I was mean and angry all the time. I was constantly feeling so unloved and I pushed away those who loved me the most. Why you may ask, what was wrong with my instagram worthy life? I was missing something, a big something. The love of Jesus Christ. It's not that He didnt love me, because He always has and He always will. The problem was I wasn't pursuing Him. I went to church every Sunday, I did the group bible studies, I said the prayer at the dinner table and I talked in Sunday school but none of those things save you. I didn't have a relationship with Jesus Himself. Trying to be loved and validated by the world in a world where the only true source of unchanging love is Jesus is not a way you want to live your life, trust me. Like I said, I learned that lesson the hard way. It took God taking all those things away for me to realize that He is all I need, and He is who truly fills that longing of being loved. I no longer had academic validation (man college humbled me lol), I didn't play the sports anymore, the relationship was over, and I lived in a whole new town an hour and a half away without my friends and family. I felt as if I had nothing. Everything I had ever known was gone. I didn't want to be in Stillwater but I also wanted my dads dream of all his daughters going to OSU to come true. I was so torn. I wanted to disappear, to go home and hide in my room yet run from all the feelings that came with being home. But praise the good Lord that in all of that He met me right where I was, in the darkness, in the brokenness, and through the tears. Somewhere between then and now He taught me the importance of pursuing Him and having a true and genuine relationship with Him. When I thought I had lost my main source of love I was so so SO wrong because that “loss” led me to the true source of love. I found myself, I found my why, I found my worth, but I didn't do it on my own and it didn't happen overnight. He met me where I was and has held my hand everyday since. I found the one thing that could never be taken away, the one thing that compared to nothing else. The one thing I cannot shut up about because He saved my life. I will be honest, I am not magically healed, I still feel unworthy at times, I still feel hard to love, I still stumble, I still get sad, and I still feel lonely occasionally but I'm telling you, when you truly know The Father and His character and His heart you no longer live unloved. But to know Him you have to pursue Him.
Our life is not about just feeling God's love, it is about us pursuing it. For example, we know our parents love us and they always will no matter what, but if we go our whole lives without even speaking to them there will be no relationship with them. It’s not about us waiting for God to show us His love, we already know He loves us. We have to be willing to pursue it and accept it. It is us that runs away from His unfailing love for the temporary “love” of the world. We are the ones constantly changing and living by the guidance of our feelings, He never changes, His love is constant and pure, our heart is deceiving. Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Our feelings aren't facts, they are deceiving. These days everyone says “follow your heart” but how foolish of us to follow a heart that is deceitful. There's a reason Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” Our own understanding will always lead us astray, trust in the Lord. Follow God's word, it is unchanging and true. If you long to be fully loved and fully known, go to Him, find rest in Him. Matthew 11:28 says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” If you long to be loved, I urge you to pursue the source. 1 John 4:16 says, “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.”
Valentine's day is an odd day, some look forward to it and some dread it. Some make it a big deal and some act as if it's not even a thing. Today I am thankful for those who have shown me love with no limits, but I am most thankful for the way that God has loved me through every stage of life. Whether you're married or in a season of waiting today, I pray that regardless of your current season, you know just how truly loved you are by those around you and most importantly how loved you are by your Creator. Take it from a girl who had to lose everything to learn, don't use temporary fixes to fill a void that can only be filled by the love of Jesus Christ. Happy Valentine's day! To God be the glory, always. Be the sunshine on someone’s cloudy day.
Good Talk,
Rylie With The Messy Life :)
