Never Coming Back
Sometimes when reflecting on my story I fall into the habit of saying that when my dad died I shoved the feelings down and acted as if it never happened, went to basketball practice the next day and just played like normal. The truth is there is no way to possibly ignore that loss. Did I turn stone cold? Yes, I did, but no matter how hard I tried that feeling never went away. I never could seem to hide from it, because in reality I get reminded of that feeling every single day. The feeling of emptiness as I watch someone hug their dad, or when I see “dad” pop up on someone’s phone. When I hear one complaint about the phone calls or all the texts they have to respond to. All of the questions that seem so simple but sting a little when people are unaware ask “What do your parents do for a living?” or “Are your parents coming into town?” all the big milestones that I cross and he’s not here, graduation, birthdays, college move in, breakups, new relationships, weddings, the list goes on forever. It is a pain that will truly never go away. And yes it is a pain that most do experience in their lifetime, maybe not at sixteen but eventually. I was so angry when I first found out how my dad died, I wanted to find who did it and get them back until one day it hit me, nothing I could ever do would bring him back. You're probably thinking duh Rylie you can't bring someone back from the dead and I mean yeah that's true but if you've ever experienced grief you know it can cause you to think irrationally and believe in things that literally aren't possible. After the newness of not having him around and the irrational thinking wore off, I began to ask myself why I needed closure, why I needed the truth, and what was the point in serving justice, he’s never coming back. As humans, it is not our job to serve justice with our own doing. In Psalm 58 David’s anger was at a boiling point, he wanted God to serve justice to those who turned against him and wronged him. David never took the initiative to serve justice to those people on his own, he never set off to set justice himself. In verse 11 he says “Then at last everyone will say, ‘there truly is a reward for those who live for God; surely there is a God who judges justly here on earth.’” David trusted God to act, he knows God is a righteous judge. It's harsh but it's the truth, no matter what, we can never fill the void. Even if the person who was involved in my dad's death goes to prison for life, he will still be gone. Sometimes we don't need to know the full story of why things happen, if we were meant to know God would let us know, this is something that took me a long time to accept. I would lay in bed every night and play out every possible thing that could have happened that night in my head and guess what it helped nothing, it only added more questions and anxiety to the situation. Nothing we do here on this earth could ever bring our loved ones back, but there’s joy in the brokenness, my grief is different because I know my dad is in heaven and I know even if he could he wouldn’t come back to this earth. He’s running the streets of heaven and drinking all the strawberry milkshakes possible. Who would wanna come back? I am thankful for the time we had on this earth together and I find peace in the fact that we will be united again in heaven one day. It’s so crazy that his time here was so short, his work here on earth was done. If you're still alive and breathing your job on this earth is not complete, your race isn't finished. If you’ve ever lost someone dear to you you understand the importance of leaving nothing unsaid. There truly will be a time that comes when you can no longer share your feelings or apologize for something that happened. One day you or that person will die and never come back so whatever is holding you back from sharing your true feelings let it go. Life is too short to live in hate, shame, and guilt. All those feelings come from satin. Love out loud because some things are never coming back.
Good Talk,
Rylie With The Messy Life :)
Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 "To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted."
Psalm 90:10 "The days of our years are threescore years and ten; and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years, yet is their strength labor and sorrow; for it is soon cut off, and we fly away."
Isaiah 25:8 "He will swallow up death forever; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from all faces, and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth, for the LORD has spoken."
Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
