Worth It

  To live in a world that is all about loving yourself it's crazy that most people don't know where to find their worth. The American foundation for suicide prevention states that suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the US. All day everyday this world is screaming “love yourself” and “you are enough” but the statistics obviously aren't aligning. When I moved to Stillwater last August, no part of me wanted to be alive. It was a struggle just to get out of bed, I wasn't doing well in school, I wasn't sleeping, I never left my room, I wouldn't talk to my roommates, I wasn't making friends nor being a good friend, people were dragging me to church, I was so so miserable. Jessica kept telling me “keep hanging on, you never know who's only still hanging on because you are.” But I didn't want to keep hanging on, I wanted to give up. I was drowning. Someone had to call me every morning to make sure I woke up, I felt like I couldn't even breathe. I would read my bible every morning just to get enough hope to make it through the day. Every single day was a challenge, I didn't see the reason for any of it. Looking back now I realize that those moments made me who I am today. Those rock bottom moments where I was at the very end of myself and I realized that there was no way I could make it on my own, those moments saved my life. Those moments lead me to My Maker. So no, I didn't meet the Lord on a sunday morning at church or on the front row at church camp. I met Him hungover on someone else's bathroom floor at the very end of myself, when I had decided living another day was unbearable. He met me right there. It's that moment. The moment we finally give up. In that moment God is given the space and opportunity to work. He put me in a situation that I couldn't control to show me that He was in control. He brought me to the end of myself to show me that I couldn't do it all alone. He proved that at the end of myself is where He is found, because the truth is if He’s still waking you up, He’s not done with you yet. 

In the bible Elijah was a mighty man of God. The kind of man you would want to be like until you read 1 Kings 19. He had had enough. The king of Israel at this time was Ahab, one of the most wicked kings there ever was. He married Jezebel who was also wicked, she worshiped many gods. On the other hand Elijah is the type of man to pray and the rain stopped, a faithful follower of God. In short, Elijah had killed all the false prophets and the king told his wife, Jezebel, and she was angry. She told Elijah that she was going to kill him, he fled from the city because he was afraid. The man who had just killed 450 prophets on a hill in front of everyone is now afraid. In verse 4 of chapter 19 it says “But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.”” Even one of the greatest prophets that walked the earth wanted to die. The kind of guy who prays some powerful prayers and God does what he asks just prayed that he might die. Some versions say that Elijah says “I have had enough”. This was a dark day for Elijah. Most of us have been here, in a place where we don't even want to be alive. Those days where we've had enough. A few verses later while Elijah is at his lowest point, God appears to him, not in a mighty wind, a fire, or even an earthquake, but in a “gentle whisper” as verse 12 says. God’s presence was found in the stillness. When Elijah was done and ready to throw in the towel God showed up. Through this encounter with God, Elijah was reminded of his worth. The suffering he was going through in the wilderness revealed his desperate need to be worthy in other people's eyes. He was then reminded that his life wasn't his own. He remembered the importance of putting his worth in the one who is never changing. 

Before I met the Lord I had come to so many dead ends, I was searching for reasons to live in all the wrong places. I was putting all my worth in other people, and their validation or approval. I was trying so hard to be loved and wanted by certain people and when they decided they didn't want me or love me anymore I would find myself devastated. I quite literally felt like there was no reason for me to be alive because one person didn't want me anymore. I overlooked every single human who truly loved me because I was putting my worth in the wrong places. I surrendered the comfort of being fully known and fully loved by my creator because I chose to put my worth in a person and what they thought of me, and I was suffering because of it. That suffering exposed my idols. It exposed what I was putting my worth in. Sometimes I still wake up with a heavy chest, wondering why I am still here. The difference between then and now is I know the end game. I am able to rest in His promises and anchor myself in the Truth. I now understand that my purpose is solely to glorify Him. I wasn't put on this earth to have a 4.0 GPA or to have the best body or to make the best wife someday. I was put on this earth to share the Gospel and walk others home. When you begin to understand your purpose in this life, you quickly realize that this life was never really yours to begin with because you were bought with a price. Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

If you are someone who puts your worth in something or someone other than Your Creator, hear me when I tell you this, don’t. I don't care if it's your mom, dad, coach, grandpa, boyfriend, a sport you're really good at, or your 4.0 GPA, it will only lead you to a dead end. You will only be left confused, broken, and feeling worthless. Those things come and go, but God doesn't. Those people have opinions, emotions, and feelings that change, but God doesn't. You're worth more than how many homeruns you can hit. You're worth more than your grade on that exam. You're worth more than trying to fit in with those girls who want nothing to do with you. You're worth more than begging someone to let you give them your time. You're worth more than being used as a stepping stool for people who just want to get ahead. You’re worth more than only spending time with someone when they have the time. You're more than becoming a perfectly curated version of the girl you thought he wanted. You're worth more than wanting to die because they walked away. Put your worth in the one who will never leave nor forsake you. Romans 5:8 says, "But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Put your worth in the one who wore a crown of thorns and carried a cross on His back, bloody and beaten so that you could live. Put your worth in the one who died for you, willingly. If you ever are in a place where you feel worthless and like you don't want to be alive, remember we serve a God who chose to die because He loves you that much. To Him, you are worth it. To God be the glory, always. Be the sunshine on someone’s cloudy day.

Good Talk,

Rylie With The Messy Life :)